Terr..i..fied

A few weeks ago 2 very awesome women, who have no idea who the other one is, both sent me this verse.

2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Obviously God really wanted me to hear it.  And I do hear it.  However, I am still TERR...I...FIED.  Terrified. 

We are headed into the week before Zaia's surgery and I am scared to death.  I am afraid she will hurt...alot.  I am afraid that I won't have the words to comfort her.  I am afraid I will show her how frightened I am and scare her.  I am afraid I will show her brother and sister how frightened I am and scare them.  I am afraid in my fear I will push my husband away (because I am good at that).  I am afraid she will get sick and they will push the surgery and I will have to wait again.  I am afraid something will go wrong and they won't be able to fix her.  I am afraid something will go wrong and she will be "scarred" for life.  I am afraid something will go wrong and she will go....

I know all the statistics and that this is a pretty straightforward surgery.  Well as straightforward as open heart surgery can go.  I know she has an amazing surgeon who can do miracles.  I know this because I have seen it happen in the life of a little Honduran girl who came to OUR hospital to fixed by OUR surgeon and he fixed her and she is fine.  I know God has a plan and whatever happens it is good. 

But my heart and my head don't always meet up.  As a matter of fact, my head and heart fight....alot.  My head knows all this smart stuff and rattles it off to my heart.  But my heart just screams 

She is my BABY!!  SHE IS MY BABY!!!

She is my baby and I would lay under that knife on that operating table 1,000,000 times just so she doesn't have to. 

So please dear Lord, give me the power to be calm.  Calm for Zaia.  Calm for Joel and Rhianna.  Calm for Scott.  Calm for myself.  Give me the power to not only know, but to KNOW that all of this is for your glory.  Lord let me feel your love that has always washed over me and that has never, and will never stop. Let that love overflow to all who surround me so they too, may feel it.  And Lord please give me the self-discipline to not eat every ounce of food in my house as I prepare emotionally for the next few weeks.

Father's Day

Father's Day is bittersweet for me.  It is a day to celebrate your dad and give him presents and spend the day with him and thank him for being a great dad.  But since I don't have my dad here to do those things, it makes me very sad and I want to say "Fooey" on the whole thing.  However, I can't do that.  Why?  Because it isn't fair to a different very special Dad in my life....my husband.  See last year was my first fatherless Father's day and I couldn't even look at a father's day card without tearing up.  So my children made their own for Scott and that was pretty much all that was done.  Anyone else might have gotten upset or hurt over this, but not Scott.  He completely understood and had no problem.  Besides what is better than handmade cards?

However, this year, as painful as it may be, I am going to celebrate Father's Day.  I am going to celebrate it for the best dad in the world...Scott.



Prom 98...probably youngest picture I have of Scott



When Scott became a dad, he was clueless.  Truly, we both were, but he was especially clueless.  It isn't that hard to believe because how many 18 year old boys do YOU know who can change diapers and heat bottles and feed a baby and bathe a baby and can even HOLD a baby?  He certainly didn't know how to do any of that.  But he did.  He didn't mind a 2 am feeding.  He actually made use of it.  Once when Joel was a baby Scott was up with him in the night.  There was nothing on tv, but infomercials so while he was feeding Joel he taught himself to say the alphabet backwards.  And yes...he can still do it.  (I know...weird!) 

Scott also had a weird connection with Joel.  He could get him to calm down almost instantly by singing to him.  Singing what?  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?  Nah...Mary Had a Little Lamb?  Nope.  Maybe it was Frere Jacques?  No can do.  It was either "Under the Bridge" by Red Hot Chili Peppers or "Bad to the Bone."  No joke.  Joel LOVED them and would calm down as soon as Scott started in.  Note...Scott started in...Mama couldn't do it, it took Daddy. 

Rhianna was a daddy's girl from day one.  Unlike Joel (who didn't like me enough), I was able to nurse Rhianna.  Scott was on board but was bummed because he really wanted to be able to feed her. I was able to pump one bottle a day.  It was used at 3 am for a nighttime Daddy/Daughter feeding.  One of my favorite memories of Scott and Rhianna is when she was so little.  She would sleep with her head on Scott's chest, her little baby butt up in the air with her legs tucked under her on Scott's stomach.  She would fall asleep instantly.

 



When Zaia came along, I didn't know how Scott would be able to work having TWO daughters.  I mean, can you be wrapped around 2 little fingers?  The answer is OH YEAH!!  Zaia is a full on love girl and her number one target is Daddy.  She loves to climb on him and hang on him and hug and kiss him. 

Scott is an amazing father.  He has always been right there in the trenches.  He has been pooped on, peed on, puked on, cried on, snotted on and of course, loved on.  Scott is a great dad, but of course how could he not be?  He is just an overgrown kid himself...

The day of my birth....

For some reason I am that girl who has a hard time with numbers.  Not math, although it kicks my butt too, but birthday numbers.  You know "Oh my gosh I can't believe I am turning XYZ!"  Yup...that is me.  And how annoying.  I just want to be all cool about it and let it roll off my back, but I just can't.  I fret and deny and want to avoid the number.  Be aware, that I don't want to let the actual BIRTHDAY go to waste.  I am too much of a princess to not embrace a day that is ALL mine.  A day that I get to say "Hey!  You do what I want because it's MY day."  A day when I can get a Dairy Queen ice cream cake even though I know my children won't eat it (what?!) and not feel guilty because it's MY DAY!!  A day when I get presents and people plaster awesome messages all over my Facebook wall.  No...I will not give that up.  However, I just don't want the number.

And why not?  It's just a number.  My great grandma used to say "It isn't how old you are, it's how old you feel."  Sure that is a good thing to live by.  Except for those days when this 30 year old girl feels 50.  But it has always been a thing for me.  When I was younger I was excited about birthday numbers.  "Oh yea!  I am two hold hands!!"  Or "13! I am finally a teenager!"  Or "I get to drive!! Hooray for 16!"  And so on...until 25.  I had a hard time with 25.  Maybe because most of my friends were just starting careers and families.  Or maybe not starting families.  And here I was married for 7 years with 3 kids.  I don't want you to think I am complaining.  I am BLESSED to have that husband and 3 kids.  They are all amazing and make life worth living.  However....25 with all that seemed...well it seemed like I was OLD.  

Now, here I am 5 years later at 30 and I have been married almost 12 years with an 11.5 year old, a 7 year old and a 5 year old.  It just makes a girl feel....OLD.  Ugh.....

So for the next month or so, I will still say I am 29ish, or 29 with a year of experience or some other cute moniker.  Then I will just break down and admit to my glorious age of 30. 

Big Day....UPDATE

So today is a big day.  Finally.  Scott, Zaia and I get to meet with her surgeon.  Since April, we have been anxious to have this appointment.  Well, I have been anxious.  Scott is laid back and confident in most everything that goes on, and Zaia doesn't really understand this appointment, so yes, it is I who is anxious.

I am anxious to have a date for surgery.  I am anxious about what all surgery entails.  I am anxious about how Zaia is going to do.  I am anxious for Joel who is a worry wort and how he will deal and feel with it.  I am anxious for Rhianna who I had no idea was worried about it until a few weeks ago.  She commented to someone that she shares a room with Zaia and if the "Doctor can't fix her, then she might die and I will sleep alone."  

Um...how do you tell a 7 year old that her little sister, whom she doesn't remember life without, is NOT going to die.  And how do you say that with 100% confidence, when that is the one thought you FORCE yourself to push to the bottom of the emotion barrel because it is too hard to even try to think about?  And how do you prepare yourself for your child's open heart surgery and her as well when we both were in tears over stinking SHOTS?

I know the answer.  Lean on Him.  Lean on Him and give it to Him.  But I have to say it is HARD for me to do.  At least all the way...You know I got that 'lean in but still be on my feet' thing down, but for this I do believe it will take a more 'You carry me and I will just lie there in Your arms' approach.  I am not so good with that. 

While I don't believe I am a control freak, I do have controlling tendencies.  And that 'give it ALL to God' thing trips me up. 

So all of this to say....Pray for me.  Pray for Zaia.  Pray for Joel.  Pray for Rhianna.  Pray for Scott.  Pray for Dr. Fortuna (her surgeon).  Pray.   Pray that I may willingly and easily give all of this to God.  Pray that this will be as "fun" and easy as it could be for Zaia.  Pray that Joel will also give his worries to God and have peace that his sister will be fine.  Pray that Rhianna's big adult fears will be taken from her and she can just be 7.  Pray for Scott as he is such a rock and will need so much strength to hold us together.  Pray for Dr. Fortuna that his decisions are God's decisions and we are all on the same page.
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UPDATE

After our appointment, I feel less anxious!  Dr. Fortuna was very nice and informative.  He made sure that Scott and I understood just exactly what was going to happen and that we understood it all.  He was glad to hear that we have researched it and had some knowledge so we could understand and be "ok" with everything.

So the big day is scheduled for July 5.  Yup, July 5.  We will do family fun fireworks on the fourth (say that 3 times fast) and heart surgery on the 5.  I told Scott that is perfect timing.  Not too soon, but not too far away either.  Zaia will have pre-op testing on June 30 and that same day we will tour the hospital and talk with the child life specialist.  Joel and Rhianna will go with us that day.  They are excited because I told them they could ask as many questions as they need to.