I just don't know

I just don't know.     I am intelligent.  I KNOW things. I know things in my head.    But my head and my heart don't always communicate well.  My heart and my emotions get all girly.    I hate that.  I hate getting all girly.  Because my brain looks at me and says "Really?  This garbage again?  Do we really have to go through this again because I know *I* learned the lesson last time.  What is wrong with THAT guy who needs to be tortured before getting it?"    My heart is the slow kid in class.  The one you feel sorry for because you know he's trying really hard to grasp the lesson, but it just takes a while for it to click.  All while my brain, the smart kid, is getting really bored and almost mad, waiting for him to catch up.   And I know all the cliches.  Time heals all wounds.  Give it up to Him.  Tell yourself you are worth it.  Believe in you because I do.   I believe all these.,,,I do.  Just not all the time.  Time?!  Patience?!  Screw that!  I'm tired of waiting.  I'm tired of the BS and the garbage. I'm tired of emotions that I thought I had control of creeping up on me while I am in the bath, or at work, or hanging out with friends.  I just want to be able to BE without thinking about my ex, or the divorce, or why things came to such a horrible and, frankly, ridiculous end.  I want to be able to go home and be there without being afraid of my wandering mind which causes all these emotions to come to a head.   I am impatient and I am ready to be DONE.  Done with attorney's, done with judges, done with court, done with it. But.....done is a long way away.  And my current distractions are failing, and quite frankly, just causing their own problems.   ^^^^THIS is why I need that divorce vacation....;-)

Try and try...

I've started 2 different blog posts today.  I just don't know if I am ready to put either of them out there.  Not to mention, neither one is done.   I'm just full of emotion and frankly, I'm tired of it.   I need a vacation from this divorce.  It's exhausting.

I'm back!

I kind of feel like I owe a "catch up."  I have been MIA for far too long and some really great things have been happening.    First up--physical things:  I have a fantastic job.  Really, I mean it!  I have been the front desk receptionist for a local company that is growing and doing well.  So well, that an additional plant was opened which has created a lot more work for the "office gals."  Because of this, I am being hired on "full time" (as in not through the temp agency, as in benefits, as in paid holidays, as in vacation!) AND I got a promotion!  Yes, a promotion!  I will be moving away from the phones and into the "office."  I will be keeping some of the work I currently do, but will taking work from all 3 of the office gals to help them out and get things running more smoothly.  I am really excited about this opportunity.  The thing is....I NEVER looked at any job I had as something more than a paycheck and temporary.  I was a mom and a wife and a job was not a priority for me.  I don't feel like that about this.  I feel like this could turn into a career.  I can see places inside this company that I would like to be and go.  It is exciting and new.  And I like it!    I also have a house that I am renting.  I am living on my own, and by myself for the first time EVER.  Sometimes I get bored out of my mind (I don't have tv channels! I have a tv, but can't get any channels and I don't always want to watch a DVD.), but I am glad to have my own space again.  Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and am SO grateful for her help and support over the past few months, but it is nice to feel like an adult again.   So on to emotional things....I am doing well.  Really, I am.  There have been months between "break downs."  I even attended Rhianna's birthday party (with emotional support from a friend) when I knew she would be there.  Her daughter even came over to me and was talking to me.  I hope it made her skin boil.  I know, I know....I need to work on that, but whatever.  I have made new friends and have connected better with an old acquaintance and really feel comfortable in my skin.  I take care of myself (although I NEED to get my hair done, it's just not in my budget!) and have found out that I am pretty cool.  I really never have had BAD self esteem, but I do think that I tied my self worth to a man.  (UGH!) What I did, what I thought, what I liked, who my friends were all influenced by what he thought.  And while I find it difficult to admit this because it makes him sound like a controlling monster, it is true.  He wasn't a controlling monster, however, I allowed him to influence me way more than anyone should let another person do.  For instance, we didn't watch baseball.  We didn't like baseball, so we didn't watch it.  Guess what?  I don't mind baseball.  Actually I kinda like watching it.  I would love to go down to St. Louis to a Cards game.  It reminds me of my dad and makes me feel closer to him. And I didn't express that because of someone else's opinion.  Sad, really.   But so all in all things are good and getting better.  And that last "real" post is still very much relevant.  And still very much stagnant.  All in good time though....patience....something I SUCK at.

Testing 3, 2, 1

So that first test post was hurtful on the eyes!  Wonder what this one will be like.....

Testing 1, 2, 3

 I can't blog at work.  It's blocked as "social networking."  I don't have internet at home because I is a po' gal and it is super annoying to blog on my phone.  But I found out today I can EMAIL my blog posts directly to my blog!  So I am testing this out.  If it works...you may hear from me more often so be prepared.