I just don't know

I just don't know.     I am intelligent.  I KNOW things. I know things in my head.    But my head and my heart don't always communicate well.  My heart and my emotions get all girly.    I hate that.  I hate getting all girly.  Because my brain looks at me and says "Really?  This garbage again?  Do we really have to go through this again because I know *I* learned the lesson last time.  What is wrong with THAT guy who needs to be tortured before getting it?"    My heart is the slow kid in class.  The one you feel sorry for because you know he's trying really hard to grasp the lesson, but it just takes a while for it to click.  All while my brain, the smart kid, is getting really bored and almost mad, waiting for him to catch up.   And I know all the cliches.  Time heals all wounds.  Give it up to Him.  Tell yourself you are worth it.  Believe in you because I do.   I believe all these.,,,I do.  Just not all the time.  Time?!  Patience?!  Screw that!  I'm tired of waiting.  I'm tired of the BS and the garbage. I'm tired of emotions that I thought I had control of creeping up on me while I am in the bath, or at work, or hanging out with friends.  I just want to be able to BE without thinking about my ex, or the divorce, or why things came to such a horrible and, frankly, ridiculous end.  I want to be able to go home and be there without being afraid of my wandering mind which causes all these emotions to come to a head.   I am impatient and I am ready to be DONE.  Done with attorney's, done with judges, done with court, done with it. But.....done is a long way away.  And my current distractions are failing, and quite frankly, just causing their own problems.   ^^^^THIS is why I need that divorce vacation....;-)