I haven't blogged in a zillion years. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but honestly I don't think I've done it in this lifetime at the very least. I feel like I need a disclaimer...like a "to those who came before" and a "to those that come now" kind of explanation because frankly, the person who started this blog a few years ago and the person who is sitting here typing right now, are not the same. Oh my name is the same (barely) and my body is the same (although thankfully smaller) but the person who makes all that up, is different. Very, very different. So here is my disclaimer.....Those of you who have read this before, you are going to say WTF? but probably in less harsh words than that. Those of you who have never seen this before and go back and read my past life may just say WTFFFF? And both is because who I was and who I am are different. Actually, that is not true. Who I let people see of me, and who I am are different. I let people see more of me now, but still not completely. Anyway....this tangent is going too far......
This...this vomiting of my mind that has been dubbed "blogging"...this feels like home. I have missed this outlet. I have had thoughts and feelings and emotion and hurt and joy and a million other things trapped inside of me for quite a while now and I am thankful to be home....letting it out.
I have been on this journey of divorce and heartbreak and growing up and becoming who I really truly am for over a year now. I have had dark days, and very bright days. I have had fuzzy nights and glorious nights. (Sometimes the fuzzy and the glorious were one and the same.) The one thing that I haven't had...haven't wanted....is forgiveness. And not forgiveness for me because frankly I don't care to be forgiven for any ills someone may think I have done. But forgiveness for someone...something...that keeps me from truly being happy. Truly being me. Now I am not doing that now. Still not ready for that. But I think I am ready to try. I think I am ready to start to think about trying. I mean, come on....we all know it is way easier to demonize and villianize someone for the horrible, terrible, selfish, cowardly things they do. And believe me...I have. (And the things were horribly, terribly, selfishly cowardice things...) However, there IS more to it. I mean what if all the horrible, terrible, selfish, cowardly things were just a cover for a small and broken little boy who had no idea what to do. I don't know....just a thought.
This forgiveness I am thinking of is not something outward either. It will not be a "I forgive you" that will probably ever be spoken. It will be me. Just me...letting go of a massive weight that, in all honesty, is a very unhealthy burden. Something that twists its way into many, many crevices of my life and relationships.
For instance, I have this friend who is/has gone through this....thing. And while she can forgive and say "people make mistakes", I see red. Hot, burning red. Red that makes you do crazy things....like punch people. In the face. Multiple times. With blunt objects...... Ha...ha...ha......
But anyway...you see?! Not good. Not good to want to hurt people! Not good to have anger and hurt balled into this black and twisted ball of blech that affects things that are good...or aren't even mine!
Anyway....I am hopeful that I will continue to do this more. This is home. This is comfort. This is good. And I promise you this....there will be cursing. There will be laughing. There will be tears. There will be just day to day shit. (SEE!! Cursing....I promised it would be there... because guess what? I curse. More than you would think.) And I hope that this forgiveness thing comes easier than I know it is, and faster than I know it will.
