Depression is a Bitch

I can feel it coming back. I can see, when the kids aren't here, and the house is quiet and lonely, I can see it creeping in. I know what it looks like, what it smells like, what it tastes like. I can hear it's short comments in my ear. I can feel the tightness in my muscles from where it's squeezing its way in. 

My dear old friend.....enemy. It's sneaky that way. Feeling like a friend because I've lived with it for such a long, long time. Knowing it's an enemy because of the pain it inflicts on me & those around me.

I'm glad I can see, hear, feel, taste it coming on. I'm glad because I have knowledge & tools to be able to stop it now. Stop it here. Kick her out before I'm in a puddle needing someone else to do it because she's been around too long.

So I'm washing the gross dishes. (I freaking HATE dishes....) And I'm walking the block. And I'm going to keep my eyes on my children because, damn it, I will NOT let one more manipulating whoreish bitch ruin their lives. Eff off depression. You are NOT welcome here. You are NEVER welcome here again.

Leap of Faith

Lots of thoughts, but I'm not sure how to put words to them. I've been searching for the words but mainly I've just found pictures on pinterest where I say "yes! That's what I said in here!" while either pointing at my head and/or heart. But I think right now I'm going off in a tangent....

I've been burned, jaded, broken. We all know this. And due to this, walls were built. Very thick, sturdy walls. Tall, difficult walls. Walls with razor wire on them. But someone actually got through them. & not because this person climbed & cut and faced treachery, but because this person was simply a great person. IS simply a great person.

It's so crazy that us people are so stupid. That we can have something nice in front of us, yet push it away because something fabulous could come around. When all the while, that something fabulous was wrapped up in "nice" wrapping.

So I guess the moral of my ramblings, the learning that has happened here is......take the chances. Jump without a net. Take the fall. Because while, sure, you might fall, but you most certainly will get back up. And who knows....maybe you WON'T fall. Maybe you WON'T be rejected. Maybe that leap of faith is all you needed to see fabulous right in front of you.

Broken pieces

She tried to fix it. All those broken pieces on the floor. But every time she pieced two together, more would break, cutting her in the process. Finally she decided to stand up, walk away & heal herself because some things can not be fixed.

Muscle

Her bruised and battered heart was stronger. Strong enough to hold up the walls that were built to protect. But every once in a while those walls gripped like a vice & her heart had to weep for the thousands of healing fractures it's had to endure. But like all muscles, her heart heals and is stronger, bigger, more able to withstand harder heartbreaks.

Mah Besties!!!

We start out life with friends. You know, your neighborhood kids, classmates  who are your first friends.  OR maybe, if you are lucky, your first friends are your siblings.  But I have found that my definition of "friend" has changed dramatically since I was 7.

I think it has taken me until the past year to really "get" what a true friend, a REAL friend, actually is.

I have the pleasure to say I truly have the 2 best friends....EVER.  They are WAY better than your best friend and I will fight you on that.  I get honesty out of them both.  And not superficial honesty.  You know that "oh yeah that shirt isn't your color" bullshit.  The real "I love you but...you are being a dumb ass.  Stop it. Now "  And the balance I achieve from the mixture of their wisdom is perfect.  One, God love her, is a pessimist...she likes to say realist...which, yeah, but a pessimistic realist.  :)  I get support and excitement and love from her with a dose of "keep it real though.  I don't want you hurt."  The other is much more "yeah...just have fun!"  And I need BOTH of that.

These girls would jump into Hell and throat punch 1,000 demons for me.  I know this because they have been there standing next to, and in front of, me as I have battled demons this past year.  They have been there for me to cry, to yell, to bitch, to scream and just laugh at the stupidity of it all.  They have been there to celebrate (and boy do we know how to celebrate!) to have fun and just hang out.

My 2 best friends are more than friends.  They are family who have stopped what they were doing to help me at a moments notice.  These bitches are my rocks.  They mean the world to me and just as I know they'd walk through Hell for me, I would definitely reciprocate.  We'd be all throat punching demons and schtuff...

Hacked!

Believe it or not, I wrote out, like with a pen and paper, a blog post today in my down time.  But before I could even get to it, I got a message from a friend who checked my blog to find it full of porn and ads!


I WAS HACKED!!!

So my disclaimer is....if you saw them before I deleted them. I apologize.  Unless you found it humorous.  In which case...you are welcome.

WTF?

I haven't blogged in a zillion years.  Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but honestly I don't think I've done it in this lifetime at the very least.  I feel like I need a disclaimer...like a "to those who came before" and a "to those that come now" kind of explanation because frankly, the person who started this blog a few years ago and the person who is sitting here typing right now, are not the same.  Oh my name is the same (barely) and my body is the same (although thankfully smaller) but the person who makes all that up, is different.  Very, very different.  So here is my disclaimer.....Those of you who have read this before, you are going to say WTF? but probably in less harsh words than that.  Those of you who have never seen this before and go back and read my past life may just say WTFFFF? And both is because who I was and who I am are different. Actually, that is not true.  Who I let people see of me, and who I am are different.  I let people see more of me now, but still not completely. Anyway....this tangent is going too far......

This...this vomiting of my mind that has been dubbed "blogging"...this feels like home.  I have missed this outlet.  I have had thoughts and feelings and emotion and hurt and joy and a million other things trapped inside of me for quite a while now and I am thankful to be home....letting it out. 

I have been on this journey of divorce and heartbreak and growing up and becoming who I really truly am for over a year now.  I have had dark days, and very bright days.  I have had fuzzy nights and glorious nights.  (Sometimes the fuzzy and the glorious were one and the same.)  The one thing that I haven't had...haven't wanted....is forgiveness.  And not forgiveness for me because frankly I don't care to be forgiven for any ills someone may think I have done.  But forgiveness for someone...something...that keeps me from truly being happy.  Truly being me.  Now I am not doing that now.  Still not ready for that.  But I think I am ready to try.  I think I am ready to start to think about trying.  I mean, come on....we all know it is way easier to demonize and villianize someone for the horrible, terrible, selfish, cowardly things they do.  And believe me...I have.  (And the things were horribly, terribly, selfishly cowardice things...)  However, there IS more to it.  I mean what if all the horrible, terrible, selfish, cowardly things were just a cover for a small and broken little boy who had no idea what to do.  I don't know....just a thought.

This forgiveness I am thinking of is not something outward either.  It will not be a "I forgive you" that will probably ever be spoken.  It will be me. Just me...letting go of a massive weight that, in all honesty, is a very unhealthy burden.  Something that twists its way into many, many crevices of my life and relationships. 

For instance, I have this friend who is/has gone through this....thing.  And while she can forgive and say "people make mistakes", I see red.  Hot, burning red.  Red that makes you do crazy things....like punch people. In the face. Multiple times. With blunt objects......  Ha...ha...ha......

But anyway...you see?!  Not good.  Not good to want to hurt people!  Not good to have anger and hurt balled into this black and twisted ball of blech that affects things that are good...or aren't even mine!

Anyway....I am hopeful that I will continue to do this more.  This is home.  This is comfort. This is good.  And I promise you this....there will be cursing.  There will be laughing.  There will be tears.  There will be just day to day shit.  (SEE!! Cursing....I promised it would be there... because guess what?  I curse.  More than you would think.)  And I hope that this forgiveness thing comes easier than I know it is, and faster than I know it will.