It's been a long time since I blogged. I have wanted to...I even had a draft written. However, I just couldn't do it. But now...well...I can.
I am getting divorced. No if, ands or buts about it. It is happening. And right now, I am SOOO ok with it. I am even over the moon about it most days. I can't go into details (no joke...can't do it...like I have been told "DON'T DO IT") but I can talk about my feelings. And my therapist says I should do that anyway. So here I am, back to my lovely blog who...well..I love. It is home here.
My overwhelming feeling right now is anger. Angry that the boy I fell in love with is completely gone. Angry that the man/boy I married is completely gone. Angry that the man who I have raised my children with is GONE. Angry that this man who has weaseled his way into my life is, well, HERE. Angry that decisions that are being made are hurting the 3 most important people in my life. I am angry at myself for not seeing when this man started to sneak in. I am angry at myself for always wanting to see the good so I blinded myself to any of the bad. I am angry that in doing that, I feel responsible for this weasel hurting those 3 innocent, awesome people.
And all of this anger is doing 2 things. It is keeping me going instead of sending me into the fetal position, bawling my head off, and scratching my eyes out. However it is also making me ANGRY! And *sigh* I am kinda...um..taking it out on God. And I know, I know, I know....I know He is good and He does nothing for bad. I know He is there and I should just lean on Him. But...ugh...BUT!
Have you ever been a rebellious teen or at least know of one, or even watched a Lifetime movie about one? That is where I feel like I am right now. YOU have allowed all this to happen! YOU did this! Why don't YOU just leave me ALONE! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!!! In my head, I know all of that is false, I know that. But my heart is in a bajillion pieces and IT is leading me right now.
And because I have felt and know God's grace, I imagine Him in heaven so hurt right now. But I also see Him as that parent who says "I know you are harming yourself and that this isn't the way to fix things. However I also know that the natural consequences you will endure will teach you better than any punishment I could enforce.." So...will you pray for me? Because I am on minimal speaking terms with JC right now. I say an occasional "Hi" at the dinner table and ask Him for $20 every once in a while, but we aren't really speaking.
