Grief, Guilt and all that goes with it

This afternoon I am off accompanied by my three children to Clinton, Ky.  It's a small town in Western Ky.  Very homey.  I like it.  Unfortunately we are not going for a vacation.  We are going because my Grandmother died last Thursday night at the age of 93.

I am having LOTS of mixed emotions.  Of course I am sad, but I can't help but be excited for her.  She gets to live with JESUS.  Jesus ya'll!  No more pain, or hard time getting around.  No more 4 walls of a nursing home caging her in.  She gets to skip and run and laugh all the way to Jesus' feet!  Plus, in my Heaven, you remember your loved ones and have a grand party whenever.  Which means Granddaddy met her with open arms and overalls. 

But the worst emotion I am feeling right now is jealousy.  Jealousy for my kids.  I had almost 30 years with both my grandmas in my life.  I had 15 years with one grandpa and 13 with the other.  I even got time with my great grandparents.  But my children only had 3, 4, 9 years with their grandpa.  THREE YEARS.  FOUR YEARS.  NINE YEARS.    And all that I wrote in that last paragraph applies to my dad too.  But you know what my reaction is.

FOOEY!

Fooey...because 61 is TOO young.  3 is NOT an appropriate age to lose your Papaw.  28 is NOT an appropriate age to bury your father.

And I feel so GUILTY.  I feel guilty because I should be grieving for Grandmother.  I should be reflecting on her life and all the memories with her.  And all I see is my dad.  All I hear is his last words to me.  All I feel is this HOLE that my DADDY filled up and it is empty.

So yeah.  At times I feel as if I have grieved and moved on.  I can talk about Dad and not bawl.  I can laugh at him and his horrendous spelling.  I can see pictures and smile.  But then there are times when the mention of his name brings torrential amounts of tears.  Watching a video and hearing his voice, and I am hurting and aching just like the day he died. 

So as I am attending my grandmother's visitation and funeral and visiting with family I haven't seen in so long, I will be thankful for her long life.  I will be thankful for years and years with 4 children, 10 grandchildren, 24 great grandchildren and 1 great great grandchild.  I will be joyous that she is living it up in Heaven, partying with Jesus.  But I will also, secretly, be harboring my anger and jealousy that my dad didn't do those things.  And hopefully I will be able to work on those feelings.  But to be honest.  Not now.  Maybe next week or next month.  But not today.  And not tomorrow.  *Sigh*  Bare with my God, I am still just a child in need of your guidance and patience.