Basket is full...of anger

It's been a long time since I blogged.  I have wanted to...I even had a draft written. However, I just couldn't do it.  But now...well...I can.

I am getting divorced.  No if, ands or buts about it.  It is happening.  And right now, I am SOOO ok with it.  I am even over the moon about it most days.  I can't go into details (no joke...can't do it...like I have been told "DON'T DO IT") but I can talk about my feelings.  And my therapist says I should do that anyway.  So here I am, back to my lovely blog who...well..I love.  It is home here. 

My overwhelming feeling right now is anger. Angry that the boy I fell in love with is completely gone.  Angry that the man/boy I married is completely gone.  Angry that the man who I have raised my children with is GONE. Angry that this man who has weaseled his way into my life is, well, HERE.  Angry that decisions that are being made are hurting the 3 most important people in my life.  I am angry at myself for not seeing when this man started to sneak in.  I am angry at myself for always wanting to see the good so I blinded myself to any of the bad.  I am angry that in doing that, I feel responsible for this weasel hurting those 3 innocent, awesome people.

And all of this anger is doing 2 things.  It is keeping me going instead of sending me into the fetal position, bawling my head off, and scratching my eyes out. However it is also making me ANGRY!  And *sigh* I am kinda...um..taking it out on God. And I know, I know, I know....I know He is good and He does nothing for bad.  I know He is there and I should just lean on Him.  But...ugh...BUT! 

Have you ever been a rebellious teen or at least know of one, or even watched a Lifetime movie about one?  That is where I feel like I am right now.  YOU have allowed all this to happen! YOU did this! Why don't YOU just leave me ALONE! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!!!  In my head, I know all of that is false, I know that.  But my heart is in a bajillion pieces and IT is leading me right now.  

And because I have felt and know God's grace, I imagine Him in heaven so hurt right now.  But I also see Him as that parent who says "I know you are harming yourself and that this isn't the way to fix things.  However I also know that the natural consequences you will endure will teach you better than any punishment I could enforce.."  So...will you pray for me? Because I am on minimal speaking terms with JC right now.  I say an occasional "Hi" at the dinner table and ask Him for $20 every once in a while, but we aren't really speaking. 

Will Always Get Me...

Crap

I haven't posted in a long time.  And I hate that because I love sitting down at this computer and just writing.  I love pouring my nerdiness and love and randomness out for others to read.  Whether others laugh, cry or just make fun of, I enjoy it.  However because of the super hard stuff at home, I just can't find a way to do it.  The super hard stuff is consuming me and I hate that.  I hate that most everything I think about or do has something to do with that SHS...or crap.

However...last weekend I went to Six Flags' Fright Fest with my mother in law, father in law, brother in law, sister in law and neice.  And technically my nephew although he is still in utero.  :-)  Yes...you did read that right.  Anyway.  It was a wonderful weekend.  Things were so NORMAL.  We had fun and interacted just like always.  I came home feeling refreshed.  I needed that weekend.  I needed that normalcy.

So I continue to hold on to Hope.  I continue to pray.  I continue to work on ME because that is all I can do.

And I hope that it isn't quite so long before I blog again....

Prayer and Hope

Those are the things I am holding onto these past few days.  Or I guess past couple of weeks.  I won't go into nasty details, because you all know that is not healthy. I will say that I know God has a plan.  He has plans even when we screw up His plans.  And then He has backup plans for the backup plan that we screwed up last week!  So, I know God will overcome.  So in the meantime I pray.  I pray like I have never prayed before. 

Which is always so sad.  Praying like I have never prayed before because my family and my marriage is falling apart at my feet. Why didn't I pray when things were just hairy?  Why didn't I pray when things were good?  Why didn't I pray before?  However, those thoughts aren't healthy and I need to take what I have right now and run with it.

So I am holding onto Prayer.  And my God who does miraculous things.  (Have you READ the Bible?  Seriously miraculous things.)

And Hope...Hope for a better tomorrow.  Hope for a better today.  Hope for smidges of movement in the direction of family.  Smidges of movement in the direction of restoration.  What those may look like only God knows.  But I have HOPE in HIM and I know that whatever the outcome, He will provide.

I just have to keep reminding myself of these things.  At all times.....

Going through the BIG D....

I'm getting a divorce. And it sucks. Bad.

Spiritual Warfare

So...um...yeeeeaaaaahhhhh.....

That's what is up.  Spiritual Warfare.

 I know it happens.  I know Satan delights in the doubts and nasties of us.  But I guess I have never really felt it.  Like hardcore.  And I mean, I guess I should have.  There has been plenty of times in my life when I have doubted God.  Lots of instances when I wanted to, and probably did, look to the sky and say "WHERE ARE YOU? WHY AM I HERE IN THIS PLACE?"  But right now things are different.

Satan is attacking me where it hurts.  Like REALLY bad.  And I do apologize for the vagueness in this.  Maybe in a few months I might be able to be more transparent, but for now I need to hide in vague. 

But yeah, Satan is using his attractiveness and wit to whisper in my ear.  He is caressing my innermost secrets.  He is agreeing with my most hated insecurities.  And he is laughing.  He is laughing at the twisted tangled mess I am making of it.  He is EATING it up.  I feel like I am a great movie or dramatic book for him to devour.

The good thing, is I KNOW this.  I SEE it.  I can feel it.  And I am fighting.  I am not always fighting well though.  I am taking those vicious, beautiful lies he is feeding me and I am seeing truth in it.  However, I have called on God and you know what?  He is not taking this lying down.  He is sending people to pray for me.  He is sending people to fold socks with me.  He is sending people to say "Stop it.  I know this is hard, but you must fight how you must fight and lean on Him." 

Thank you Jesus for sending these people.  Thank you Jesus for your promise of a better day.  Thank you Jesus for taking up your sword and helping me defend.  Thank you for teaching me through trials even though I LOATHE the lesson, I have faith that the knowledge on the other side of it will be awesome.  The kind of awesome that only YOU can give.

The Church needs to be STRANGE

So I already posted once today, but I am just so irritated and hurt for a random stranger in the comments of a blog I want to scream. 

I frequent a different blog and I re-read a post and then went reading through the comments.  I came across a woman who was struggling with the fact that her church family is essentially fake.  She stated "...at my church, your "old" story is acceptable as long as that was who you were and not who you are today.  To admit that you are CURRENTLY struggling with something -- oh, no.  We can't do that.  Unless it's a *Christian* struggle (I don't spend enough time reading Scripture ... My prayer time is lacking)."  I wanted to cry for this random woman.

Our church is supposed to lift us up ALL THE TIME.  You know the saying "God is good....All the time." Yeah that should be us too. 

I am SOOOOOOO blessed to have a church family who is good...all the time.  Whether I am smiling and laughing or in the darkest crevice of my cave.  They are good when I am volunteering my time, and when I say "I can't do this anymore."  They are good when I tell my testimony of how broken I was when I was 17 and they are even better when I tell how I am broken RIGHT NOW.

I have church friends FAMILY who are there for me at the drop of a hat.  Who sit with me and let me talk and cry until 1:30 in the morning.  People who will come over and sort through socks with me because I really just need someone there.  People who will take my children overnight and do fun things with them while I stay at the hospital with a sick child.  People who will be at the hospital with me and that sick child.

Church family who will cry and pray and hug and hope and problem solve all while NOT judging.  People who have been there and done that and who will take up my fight with me.

And I have said that it is so strange because my church, does it right.  We don't judge.  We don't belittle.  We lift up when you are down.  And it really irks me that "strange" is the word to describe it.  I mean..why have a church family if they are judgmental and belittling and only lift you when you are up?  Seriously, we get enough of that from the WORLD.  Shouldn't our church be a "comfort"?

I don't know....just ticks me off.  Prayers and love for that nameless woman commenter.  God knows who you are and where you are.  I pray for a change in the hearts of those who attend your church.  I pray you may find comfort in the most important place...His arms.