Prayer and Hope

Those are the things I am holding onto these past few days.  Or I guess past couple of weeks.  I won't go into nasty details, because you all know that is not healthy. I will say that I know God has a plan.  He has plans even when we screw up His plans.  And then He has backup plans for the backup plan that we screwed up last week!  So, I know God will overcome.  So in the meantime I pray.  I pray like I have never prayed before. 

Which is always so sad.  Praying like I have never prayed before because my family and my marriage is falling apart at my feet. Why didn't I pray when things were just hairy?  Why didn't I pray when things were good?  Why didn't I pray before?  However, those thoughts aren't healthy and I need to take what I have right now and run with it.

So I am holding onto Prayer.  And my God who does miraculous things.  (Have you READ the Bible?  Seriously miraculous things.)

And Hope...Hope for a better tomorrow.  Hope for a better today.  Hope for smidges of movement in the direction of family.  Smidges of movement in the direction of restoration.  What those may look like only God knows.  But I have HOPE in HIM and I know that whatever the outcome, He will provide.

I just have to keep reminding myself of these things.  At all times.....

Going through the BIG D....

I'm getting a divorce. And it sucks. Bad.

Spiritual Warfare

So...um...yeeeeaaaaahhhhh.....

That's what is up.  Spiritual Warfare.

 I know it happens.  I know Satan delights in the doubts and nasties of us.  But I guess I have never really felt it.  Like hardcore.  And I mean, I guess I should have.  There has been plenty of times in my life when I have doubted God.  Lots of instances when I wanted to, and probably did, look to the sky and say "WHERE ARE YOU? WHY AM I HERE IN THIS PLACE?"  But right now things are different.

Satan is attacking me where it hurts.  Like REALLY bad.  And I do apologize for the vagueness in this.  Maybe in a few months I might be able to be more transparent, but for now I need to hide in vague. 

But yeah, Satan is using his attractiveness and wit to whisper in my ear.  He is caressing my innermost secrets.  He is agreeing with my most hated insecurities.  And he is laughing.  He is laughing at the twisted tangled mess I am making of it.  He is EATING it up.  I feel like I am a great movie or dramatic book for him to devour.

The good thing, is I KNOW this.  I SEE it.  I can feel it.  And I am fighting.  I am not always fighting well though.  I am taking those vicious, beautiful lies he is feeding me and I am seeing truth in it.  However, I have called on God and you know what?  He is not taking this lying down.  He is sending people to pray for me.  He is sending people to fold socks with me.  He is sending people to say "Stop it.  I know this is hard, but you must fight how you must fight and lean on Him." 

Thank you Jesus for sending these people.  Thank you Jesus for your promise of a better day.  Thank you Jesus for taking up your sword and helping me defend.  Thank you for teaching me through trials even though I LOATHE the lesson, I have faith that the knowledge on the other side of it will be awesome.  The kind of awesome that only YOU can give.

The Church needs to be STRANGE

So I already posted once today, but I am just so irritated and hurt for a random stranger in the comments of a blog I want to scream. 

I frequent a different blog and I re-read a post and then went reading through the comments.  I came across a woman who was struggling with the fact that her church family is essentially fake.  She stated "...at my church, your "old" story is acceptable as long as that was who you were and not who you are today.  To admit that you are CURRENTLY struggling with something -- oh, no.  We can't do that.  Unless it's a *Christian* struggle (I don't spend enough time reading Scripture ... My prayer time is lacking)."  I wanted to cry for this random woman.

Our church is supposed to lift us up ALL THE TIME.  You know the saying "God is good....All the time." Yeah that should be us too. 

I am SOOOOOOO blessed to have a church family who is good...all the time.  Whether I am smiling and laughing or in the darkest crevice of my cave.  They are good when I am volunteering my time, and when I say "I can't do this anymore."  They are good when I tell my testimony of how broken I was when I was 17 and they are even better when I tell how I am broken RIGHT NOW.

I have church friends FAMILY who are there for me at the drop of a hat.  Who sit with me and let me talk and cry until 1:30 in the morning.  People who will come over and sort through socks with me because I really just need someone there.  People who will take my children overnight and do fun things with them while I stay at the hospital with a sick child.  People who will be at the hospital with me and that sick child.

Church family who will cry and pray and hug and hope and problem solve all while NOT judging.  People who have been there and done that and who will take up my fight with me.

And I have said that it is so strange because my church, does it right.  We don't judge.  We don't belittle.  We lift up when you are down.  And it really irks me that "strange" is the word to describe it.  I mean..why have a church family if they are judgmental and belittling and only lift you when you are up?  Seriously, we get enough of that from the WORLD.  Shouldn't our church be a "comfort"?

I don't know....just ticks me off.  Prayers and love for that nameless woman commenter.  God knows who you are and where you are.  I pray for a change in the hearts of those who attend your church.  I pray you may find comfort in the most important place...His arms. 

Filler

My heart is bursting, my head is full....but I have no strength or words to release either of them.  So this is my filler.....





Dear Photograph

Only God Gives Restoration

If You Take The Time To Look, His Message Rings Loud And Clear

All by myself...and it's nice.

So I am alone this weekend and it has been oddly nice.

I went to a movie by myself.   And this may not be a "thang" for anyone, but I am 30 years old and have never done that.  Not ever really considered it an option.  Like why would I want to go sit in a theatre by myself and watch a movie? 

But it was WONDERFUL!  Like, why have I never done this before!?  Oh yeah...I know why.  Because by the time I was old enough to take myself to a movie, I had this boy who I needed to spend every waking moment with.  And then I had these little people all around my feet and the authorities frown upon leaving little people alone to fend for themselves. 

Then I went and hung out with a few of the most awesome teenagers alive.  This is always fun.  ("I'm putting my soul in a worm.")  Then some more fun that included ice cream and french fries.  Obvious fun...  Then a wonderous chat until 1:30 am with an amazing and wise friend.

So all in all, good times to be had by all by ME!

For moms, dads and everyone else

I was honored to be able to do the devotion for a baby shower this weekend.  A friend from church and her husband are having a baby girl.  And what is even better than that (I know not much right?!) is that she has a REALLY good chance of being a REDHEAD!  Yeah!!!  Babies are awesome, but red heads, especially red headded girls are AH-mazing.  Maybe I am a bit biased...but whatev.  ;) 
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I have some bad news.  Nothing will prepare you for motherhood.  You will stumble and fall and feel guilt like you have never felt before.  You will scar your children and you will certainly send them into the world unprepared.  You will yell when they need comfort, you will buckle when they need you to be stern.  You will never be cool enough and you will always embarrass them.  The good news is…as long as you love them, God will do the rest.

 I had an awful week.  I was stressed beyond what I could handle and I threw a temper tantrum at God.  I was angry. I was hurt. I was acting like a 2 year old.  How can you do this?  Why do you let this happen?  Why are you not stepping in and fixing it?  Even a couple of “Are you even there?  Why when I need you can I not feel you?”  And so in the depths of despair when I KNOW I should have been seeking him, I allowed Satan to nest in my heart and fester.  I didn’t talk to Him, I didn’t lean on Him, and I was crossing my arms and pouting because He wasn’t just fixing it.  And you know what?  I was miserable.  I was a walking zombie for days.  But God can be a tricky fellow.  He has strategically placed these little bodies of joy into my life.  These little sticky, messy, mouthy, bodies of joy who would say “Mama can you come outside with me? Can you draw with the sidewalk chalk? It’s such a nice day.  Let’s get some fresh air.”  One who would just sit next to me and put her hand on mine.  One who gave extra hugs even though he’s “too old” for them.  And so when I finally started to see the light, when through the darkness I saw glimmers of hope, I buckled like a child.  I buckled and said “God I am so, so, so, so, so sorry.”  I fell to my knees and begged for forgiveness that only He can give.

Then I started to see myself.  See how I had been acting.  I started thinking about this devotion that I wanted to call Lindsay and back out of.  And I could just see Him; picture Him as I slowly went…Lightbulb.  I could see Him say “Yes. You got it.”  I could see Him nod his head and breathe a sigh of relief at my moment when I understood.  I may be a parent.  I may be an adult.  But I am still a child, His child. 

I believe all of that is a perfect example of what happens to us when we become parents.  We get glimpses of what God has been dealing with for an eternity from us.  Our disobedience and our mouthiness.  Our defiance and our rejection.  Our sin and our bad choices. Yet He loves us anyway.  He allows us into his little club by blessing us with children to love and only want the absolute best for.  Children we would not hesitate to lay our own lives down for if it were to save theirs, even when they are disobedient.  Even when they are mouthy.  Even if they reject our teachings.  Even through their sin.                   

But this is just one thing God does for us when he allows us to be parents.   He allows us a better glimpse at himself, but He also does something else, something so much harder to deal with.  He puts us in our children’s life so they can see Him through us.  Ugh.  What?!  No, no, no, no.  Don’t you remember what I said earlier?  You know the scarring and the hurt and the embarrassment?  That’s not Godly.  That’s me. In all my horrible humanness.  There is where the hard part lies.  We must be responsible to our children.  To BE God for them.  To BE Jesus in their little lives.

Exodus 20:12, the fifth commandment says, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”  Some may look at that and say “See you must honor me.”  You know “Respect my authoritah!”  But how often does that work?  How often does it work to demand authority or respect?  You must model it.  Teach it with actions.  So while our children are to honor us, and we honor our parents, we also must respect them enough to teach them how.  Teach them to love God with all their hearts by showing them how much WE love God.  Teach them to rely on Him when the going gets tough by seeking Him in those hard times.  Teach them to ask for forgiveness when they fall short by dropping to our knees in front of God when sin taints our lives.  Teach them to be tolerant and loving by being compassionate and understanding to the very least. 

So my charge to every mother, including myself, is to embrace the gifts God has bestowed upon us.  To not only love and cherish our children, but to BE God to them.   To model what He is so they can as well.  After all, our most important job as parent is to give them the skills and tools to be amazing adults.