Turning that frown upside down

I went into Easter season bummed this year.  My kids will be at their dad's for the holiday.  Let's face it, I'm bummed that I don't have my kids for every holiday because I think that when you house someone in your body and then expel them from your vagina after 12+ hours of intense pain you are entitled to more of a say.  But other people, mainly the judge and their father, disagree with that logic.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah. Easter!  So I just assumed Easter would bum me out.  But I am surprising myself.

A few weeks ago my son came home asking to participate in his choir director's Easter cantata at her church.  He also informed me that she asked if I wanted to sing as well.  (Once upon a time she was my choir director too and then there is that funny story where she was mistaken for my mom when I was young....)  The Cantata was to be performed on Palm Sunday and I said sure!  That's when I decided if I couldn't be with my kids on ACTUAL Easter, we would celebrate early.

*Side note...since my kids are a little bit older "celebrating Easter" has NOTHING to do with bunnies leaving candy and springy dollar store crap..er..toys with plastic grass that sticks to EVERYTHING and I am left cleaning up until Christmas.  We believe in Christ and Easter is about his death and resurrection.*

So Saturday night, after attending the local roller derby bout (you can't celebrate Jesus without some roller derby...it's in the bible...I'm certain of it) we watched "The Passion of the Christ."  *Gasp* I know...I am a bad mother because I showed my 8 and 9 year old little girls the violence and horror of an R rated movie.  But see above....  We had a wonderful time of discussion and it really solidified for my children what Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday are really all about to us.

Then Sunday morning the kids put on their new Easter clothes and we went to church for the cantata.  It was such a beautiful and fun service.  Zaia even walked in waving a palm frond with a HUGE smile on her face.

We will spend Good Friday off work and school and I am looking forward to the laziness that I have planned for that day.

I guess my point is this....spending quality time with your children isn't about what the calendar says.  It isn't about how many holiDAYS I get with my kids.  It isn't about how much money I spend on them (which is good because I don't spend much...at all.).  It is about being present.  It's about listening and caring and laughing and making fun of each other and snorting and almost peeing your pants and loving.  LOVING, LOVING, LOVING on them.

.......Just like Jesus did.......

Depression is a Bitch

I can feel it coming back. I can see, when the kids aren't here, and the house is quiet and lonely, I can see it creeping in. I know what it looks like, what it smells like, what it tastes like. I can hear it's short comments in my ear. I can feel the tightness in my muscles from where it's squeezing its way in. 

My dear old friend.....enemy. It's sneaky that way. Feeling like a friend because I've lived with it for such a long, long time. Knowing it's an enemy because of the pain it inflicts on me & those around me.

I'm glad I can see, hear, feel, taste it coming on. I'm glad because I have knowledge & tools to be able to stop it now. Stop it here. Kick her out before I'm in a puddle needing someone else to do it because she's been around too long.

So I'm washing the gross dishes. (I freaking HATE dishes....) And I'm walking the block. And I'm going to keep my eyes on my children because, damn it, I will NOT let one more manipulating whoreish bitch ruin their lives. Eff off depression. You are NOT welcome here. You are NEVER welcome here again.

Leap of Faith

Lots of thoughts, but I'm not sure how to put words to them. I've been searching for the words but mainly I've just found pictures on pinterest where I say "yes! That's what I said in here!" while either pointing at my head and/or heart. But I think right now I'm going off in a tangent....

I've been burned, jaded, broken. We all know this. And due to this, walls were built. Very thick, sturdy walls. Tall, difficult walls. Walls with razor wire on them. But someone actually got through them. & not because this person climbed & cut and faced treachery, but because this person was simply a great person. IS simply a great person.

It's so crazy that us people are so stupid. That we can have something nice in front of us, yet push it away because something fabulous could come around. When all the while, that something fabulous was wrapped up in "nice" wrapping.

So I guess the moral of my ramblings, the learning that has happened here is......take the chances. Jump without a net. Take the fall. Because while, sure, you might fall, but you most certainly will get back up. And who knows....maybe you WON'T fall. Maybe you WON'T be rejected. Maybe that leap of faith is all you needed to see fabulous right in front of you.

Broken pieces

She tried to fix it. All those broken pieces on the floor. But every time she pieced two together, more would break, cutting her in the process. Finally she decided to stand up, walk away & heal herself because some things can not be fixed.

Muscle

Her bruised and battered heart was stronger. Strong enough to hold up the walls that were built to protect. But every once in a while those walls gripped like a vice & her heart had to weep for the thousands of healing fractures it's had to endure. But like all muscles, her heart heals and is stronger, bigger, more able to withstand harder heartbreaks.

Mah Besties!!!

We start out life with friends. You know, your neighborhood kids, classmates  who are your first friends.  OR maybe, if you are lucky, your first friends are your siblings.  But I have found that my definition of "friend" has changed dramatically since I was 7.

I think it has taken me until the past year to really "get" what a true friend, a REAL friend, actually is.

I have the pleasure to say I truly have the 2 best friends....EVER.  They are WAY better than your best friend and I will fight you on that.  I get honesty out of them both.  And not superficial honesty.  You know that "oh yeah that shirt isn't your color" bullshit.  The real "I love you but...you are being a dumb ass.  Stop it. Now "  And the balance I achieve from the mixture of their wisdom is perfect.  One, God love her, is a pessimist...she likes to say realist...which, yeah, but a pessimistic realist.  :)  I get support and excitement and love from her with a dose of "keep it real though.  I don't want you hurt."  The other is much more "yeah...just have fun!"  And I need BOTH of that.

These girls would jump into Hell and throat punch 1,000 demons for me.  I know this because they have been there standing next to, and in front of, me as I have battled demons this past year.  They have been there for me to cry, to yell, to bitch, to scream and just laugh at the stupidity of it all.  They have been there to celebrate (and boy do we know how to celebrate!) to have fun and just hang out.

My 2 best friends are more than friends.  They are family who have stopped what they were doing to help me at a moments notice.  These bitches are my rocks.  They mean the world to me and just as I know they'd walk through Hell for me, I would definitely reciprocate.  We'd be all throat punching demons and schtuff...

Hacked!

Believe it or not, I wrote out, like with a pen and paper, a blog post today in my down time.  But before I could even get to it, I got a message from a friend who checked my blog to find it full of porn and ads!


I WAS HACKED!!!

So my disclaimer is....if you saw them before I deleted them. I apologize.  Unless you found it humorous.  In which case...you are welcome.