Try and try...

I've started 2 different blog posts today.  I just don't know if I am ready to put either of them out there.  Not to mention, neither one is done.   I'm just full of emotion and frankly, I'm tired of it.   I need a vacation from this divorce.  It's exhausting.

I'm back!

I kind of feel like I owe a "catch up."  I have been MIA for far too long and some really great things have been happening.    First up--physical things:  I have a fantastic job.  Really, I mean it!  I have been the front desk receptionist for a local company that is growing and doing well.  So well, that an additional plant was opened which has created a lot more work for the "office gals."  Because of this, I am being hired on "full time" (as in not through the temp agency, as in benefits, as in paid holidays, as in vacation!) AND I got a promotion!  Yes, a promotion!  I will be moving away from the phones and into the "office."  I will be keeping some of the work I currently do, but will taking work from all 3 of the office gals to help them out and get things running more smoothly.  I am really excited about this opportunity.  The thing is....I NEVER looked at any job I had as something more than a paycheck and temporary.  I was a mom and a wife and a job was not a priority for me.  I don't feel like that about this.  I feel like this could turn into a career.  I can see places inside this company that I would like to be and go.  It is exciting and new.  And I like it!    I also have a house that I am renting.  I am living on my own, and by myself for the first time EVER.  Sometimes I get bored out of my mind (I don't have tv channels! I have a tv, but can't get any channels and I don't always want to watch a DVD.), but I am glad to have my own space again.  Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and am SO grateful for her help and support over the past few months, but it is nice to feel like an adult again.   So on to emotional things....I am doing well.  Really, I am.  There have been months between "break downs."  I even attended Rhianna's birthday party (with emotional support from a friend) when I knew she would be there.  Her daughter even came over to me and was talking to me.  I hope it made her skin boil.  I know, I know....I need to work on that, but whatever.  I have made new friends and have connected better with an old acquaintance and really feel comfortable in my skin.  I take care of myself (although I NEED to get my hair done, it's just not in my budget!) and have found out that I am pretty cool.  I really never have had BAD self esteem, but I do think that I tied my self worth to a man.  (UGH!) What I did, what I thought, what I liked, who my friends were all influenced by what he thought.  And while I find it difficult to admit this because it makes him sound like a controlling monster, it is true.  He wasn't a controlling monster, however, I allowed him to influence me way more than anyone should let another person do.  For instance, we didn't watch baseball.  We didn't like baseball, so we didn't watch it.  Guess what?  I don't mind baseball.  Actually I kinda like watching it.  I would love to go down to St. Louis to a Cards game.  It reminds me of my dad and makes me feel closer to him. And I didn't express that because of someone else's opinion.  Sad, really.   But so all in all things are good and getting better.  And that last "real" post is still very much relevant.  And still very much stagnant.  All in good time though....patience....something I SUCK at.

Testing 3, 2, 1

So that first test post was hurtful on the eyes!  Wonder what this one will be like.....

Testing 1, 2, 3

 I can't blog at work.  It's blocked as "social networking."  I don't have internet at home because I is a po' gal and it is super annoying to blog on my phone.  But I found out today I can EMAIL my blog posts directly to my blog!  So I am testing this out.  If it works...you may hear from me more often so be prepared. 

 

Into the Great Unknown....

Ok so "technically" I am still married.  "Legally" I still am.  But in my heart, and in Scott's heart, we are NOT married.  And if I was in a spiritual place where I was all....um...spiritual, I would say that even in God's eyes we are no longer married.  So I have this thing...this desire...this want....It's called...gulp...dating!  

It is scary and exciting and SO incredibly confusing.  The last time I dated it went like this:
"Here is my phone number." 

Later that night my phone rang .

"Hey."
"Hey." 
"Do you want to be my girlfriend?"
"Yeah."

OR

Three of my friends on 3 phones (You remember phones in your house? Where they all connected and everyone could hear the conversation?) all telling him that he should "JUST ASK HER OUT!"  And then I got on the phone and after embarassment over how obnoxious my friends were:

"Will you go out with me?"  Followed by yes....

And that was it for me folks! 

But trying to date at 30 means watching out for losers with no job, bad job or a wife.  Watching out for losers with a job, a good job or wife.  Watching out for losers who want to "date" for the night.  Watching out for creepy crazies with a reason why they are still single at 30+.   And in the middle of all of this, not having the slightest idea of what I want.

I miss someone.  I miss having someone to tell my day to, I miss listening to someone tell me about their day.  I miss movies on the couch and movies at the theatre.  I miss dinner with someone else. 

Now, I KNOW that I know that I know that I know.... I DO NOT WANT COMMITMENT. Whew....no sirree.  I don't want a "boyfriend" or anything labeled like that.  Eww...it just gives me the willies right now.  No thank you.  But I do know that as much as I love hanging out with "mah girls," sometimes I long for interlaced fingers and an arm around my shoulders. 

So I'm putting myself out there.  And so far...well...I am learning how flipping hard it is!  People say they don't want to play games, but somehow a game is exactly what is happening.  One 4 hour conversation can leave you thinking "Wow! Maybe there is someone else!" only to have awkward "I have no idea what is going on"ness for 3 weeks after.  (Yeah....I pulled the plug on that.  Just because someone is nice doesn't mean the games aren't gonna be played.)

So yeah...I realize alot of this blog was rambling and possibly shocking to some and more than likely not shocking to those who really know me.  But that is where I am. 

And if you know of any nice Christian, successful, single, attractive (I will also accept "hot") non crazy men over the age of 30 and under the age of 38....send them my way.  ;-) 

KIDDING!  maybe....   

Who knew?!

Have you ever been unhappy, but had no idea that you were unhappy, until you WERE happy?  That is where I am right now.  And it is MARVELOUS.

5 or 6 months ago my entire life came crashing down.  Everything that I thought I knew about myself was pulled out from under me.  The last 15 years of my life were coming to a complete crash. And when the last 15 years of your life is actually HALF your life...yeah...that's hard.  I couldn't see ANY good.  Only bad.  I couldn't imagine not being in the fetal position bawling my eyes out every night.

But it is here.  I am begining to find me.  I am having fun with what I want to do and not asking someone's permission.  I am giving myself permission to enjoy life.  To enjoy my time alone, to enjoy my time with my kids.  To be me.

I didn't know it, but I never did that. I went from being someone's daughter to someone's wife to someone's mother and I never was Anessa.  I am still someone's daughter and someone's mother, but I am learning I can be those things AND BE ANESSA!!!!  It is so liberating.  It is amazing.

My daughter said to me the other day "You are acting like a teenager.  You cut your hair, and you do your makeup and you smile."  That was the best compliment EVER.

Basket is full...of anger

It's been a long time since I blogged.  I have wanted to...I even had a draft written. However, I just couldn't do it.  But now...well...I can.

I am getting divorced.  No if, ands or buts about it.  It is happening.  And right now, I am SOOO ok with it.  I am even over the moon about it most days.  I can't go into details (no joke...can't do it...like I have been told "DON'T DO IT") but I can talk about my feelings.  And my therapist says I should do that anyway.  So here I am, back to my lovely blog who...well..I love.  It is home here. 

My overwhelming feeling right now is anger. Angry that the boy I fell in love with is completely gone.  Angry that the man/boy I married is completely gone.  Angry that the man who I have raised my children with is GONE. Angry that this man who has weaseled his way into my life is, well, HERE.  Angry that decisions that are being made are hurting the 3 most important people in my life.  I am angry at myself for not seeing when this man started to sneak in.  I am angry at myself for always wanting to see the good so I blinded myself to any of the bad.  I am angry that in doing that, I feel responsible for this weasel hurting those 3 innocent, awesome people.

And all of this anger is doing 2 things.  It is keeping me going instead of sending me into the fetal position, bawling my head off, and scratching my eyes out. However it is also making me ANGRY!  And *sigh* I am kinda...um..taking it out on God. And I know, I know, I know....I know He is good and He does nothing for bad.  I know He is there and I should just lean on Him.  But...ugh...BUT! 

Have you ever been a rebellious teen or at least know of one, or even watched a Lifetime movie about one?  That is where I feel like I am right now.  YOU have allowed all this to happen! YOU did this! Why don't YOU just leave me ALONE! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!!!  In my head, I know all of that is false, I know that.  But my heart is in a bajillion pieces and IT is leading me right now.  

And because I have felt and know God's grace, I imagine Him in heaven so hurt right now.  But I also see Him as that parent who says "I know you are harming yourself and that this isn't the way to fix things.  However I also know that the natural consequences you will endure will teach you better than any punishment I could enforce.."  So...will you pray for me? Because I am on minimal speaking terms with JC right now.  I say an occasional "Hi" at the dinner table and ask Him for $20 every once in a while, but we aren't really speaking.